It was the story of a tax collector that got to me recently. This voice in his head that I hear as well. Of course the voice wasn’t the same as his, nor was it describing his life…it was/is describing mine. Every move as if I was third-person to myself. I never feel alone, but watched and critiqued. After a very long time, many years, I was made aware of this voice as being mine, but outside of me.
Right now, as I mute the television to write this, the voice is louder, more tangible and a bit annoying. I write and it reads. I stop to think of the next line and it waits.
There must be a name for this voice, or presence. Something, like ‘ego’, or ‘conscience’, or maybe ‘alter-ego’. Somewhere I could find the answer, but I’m afraid if I did I would also find a way to quiet it and that might result in feeling more alone.
Look at me, adore me, but don’t judge me.
I thought I may be on my way to finding answers to things like this, but I was erroneously charged $175.00 by a clinical psychologist and now my trust and faith have been ruined. Everybody makes mistakes, but a person to whom you put your deepest trust and lay down all your insecurities to be examined must maintain a special level of perfectness. An unerring way that allows throwing all you have at them while they unflinchingly listen and attempt to help you.
There’s somewhere to go from here, but I just need to find it. I’m closer now because I want to be.
Right now, as I mute the television to write this, the voice is louder, more tangible and a bit annoying. I write and it reads. I stop to think of the next line and it waits.
There must be a name for this voice, or presence. Something, like ‘ego’, or ‘conscience’, or maybe ‘alter-ego’. Somewhere I could find the answer, but I’m afraid if I did I would also find a way to quiet it and that might result in feeling more alone.
Look at me, adore me, but don’t judge me.
I thought I may be on my way to finding answers to things like this, but I was erroneously charged $175.00 by a clinical psychologist and now my trust and faith have been ruined. Everybody makes mistakes, but a person to whom you put your deepest trust and lay down all your insecurities to be examined must maintain a special level of perfectness. An unerring way that allows throwing all you have at them while they unflinchingly listen and attempt to help you.
There’s somewhere to go from here, but I just need to find it. I’m closer now because I want to be.
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