The Death of Life

Never before have I wanted to be wrong so badly. I want o to be wrong about the way of life here. I want to find that I was wrong, for someone to tell me, "No! you've juts been living in the wrong part of town and meeting the wring kind of people!". That hasn't happened yet. So, i why did I move here, why do I stay here? Well, it started out as a chance for change from the old way of life that was so good and normal. I moved away form the place where I has great friends and family, but as a person who grew up the middle child of 8 children, I need my own space an identity and I need to test that to see where I stand and to check-in to see who I'm doing. I did that by moving here. The community that exists in Las Vegas is cold and unconnected. From what I feel about the place it is nothing more than an ant farm existing just to exist. It was constructed and people are operating in it, unbeknownst to one another. Being nice and is some form of sarcasm and comes as a shock to me. I try to say hi to everything, look them in the eyes when I talk to them and I feel nothing in-return.
So, this has turned in to another subconscious experiment through me keeping it going and refusing to accept defeat and move back to comfort and joy. I am constantly asking myself why I'm still here. I'm not beholden to this damn place for any reason. I don't hate, but I feel I need to see it through and find that bright, happy spot that I know exists somewhere. I have heard from many residents that such a thing doesn't exist, but I know it does...it has to.
I'm not laying blame as I did in the beginning because I now realize I have to reach out to others as I expect them to reach out to me. This came so easy before and I took for granted. I've decided to keep the experiment going and one day report to the world that Las Vegas is not that bad and everything you've heard is wrong...you've just been in the wrong part of town and talking to the wrong people. And this hardens me in a good way. I know the world is not nice and Las Vegas is the proof. But, I'll persevere to find the goodness in people here as well as the maturity in myself and get to know myself better.