Where I'm Calling From

 Getting old is getting old—the journey to a realm of limited possibilities, new possibilities, and lost chances. I don't want to stay in bed all day—that's not me. I want to keep going, growing, evolving, and not waiting for anyone's permission. In the back of my mind, I wait for permission, but in the front of my mind, I know that is not the way I want to be. 

I’ve been to many many towns, cities etc and I wonder had I not been in Las Vegas right now with some of the best indie/dark wave artists the in the country playing live right behind me… would this not be like any of those towns that I’ve been to before? Maybe I don’t know. The Strip skyline puts a different color on everything here. It’s like a safety net where you can fail and suck, but hey, you’re in las fucking Vegas. The streets are the same as anywhere else. Concrete is concrete. The cars are the same make and model. It’s a club with a bartender, beer, well liquor, so on and so forth. But there’s an added electricity and excitement here. This could be in the middle of Georgia for all you know by the pictures, but it’s not. You gotta be something, someone here… or so you think.

Do I look like a play golf? Yes it does. It’s called golf body. Wide middle, small legs and arms. Golf body. Let yourself go! But look Ike you play golf.

Why have the Germans always been right about psychology and the human condition? I've learned a lot recently from Erich Neumann . I've been struggling really hard with my place in life and this world recently, and the universe somehow steered me to this video on YouTube.  How to Integrate Your Shadow - The Dark Side is Unrealized Potential . It's strange how this happened, but I found this video in my suggestions but marked it as 'watch later' and forgot about it. So, I'm donating platelets yesterday ( a 2-hour session), looking through my 'watch later' list for something to watch, and pulled up this video. But I need to back up a bit: I have been feeling 'off', angry, useless, agitated, and unhappy lately. Amidst all my gifts and abundance, I still felt agitated and wanting. I wanted to call a therapist (3rd time's a charm!), but I could not even begin to know how to explain my feelings to someone else, so I've been putting that phone ca...

Our trip started well enough using airline miles and getting the flight from Las Vegas to Syracuse for $5/ticket. From Las Vegas to Chicago was fine but Chicago to Syracuse was delayed 45 minutes. We got into Syracuse with the help of a great van driver from the hotel Embassy Suites... Again, using points, we had our hotel taken care of. We ate dinner at Ruby Tuesday and then hit the hay. There was a hooting and hollering in the hotel due to a wedding party which is always annoying as no one likes a wedding party they're not invited to. Bill picked us up in the morning to go do some apple picking as planned. He brought 2 of his kids that are just awesome. Aiden and Connor, his 2 boys. Aiden is shy and intellectual while Connor is young, and curious. A 45 minute drive got us to Bill's house on Lake Oneida. The boys were eager to help us unload the suitcases when we arrived as it took about 45 minutes to crack their shell and open up to us. Bill gave us a tour o...

Check. OK. Stop. The brain is turned on and the nerves are exposed, raw. I'm ready. So sitting on the plane the other day waiting to take off I got to thinking...rules, age. this may be the ramblings of a person on the eve of 40 (a pivotal year/age) BUT I'm thinking "rules". Why? well I follow a lot of them, even make up my own...I like to have parameters. But I was thinking, "I'm getting there...age that is" and what is to stop me from doing the things I find interesting? Nothing really, just good old-fashioned rules created by other people and and me. I wanna have a certain youthful outlook on life...I do as it is. I'm crazy sometimes and to the most beloved people in my life I show them this side of me, but so much of my time is spent in front of people I don't know, but are responsible for their success and in front of people I don't know at all. So, good God, why would I spend so much of my time away from people I love, respect and ...

For sheer entertainment value Vegas can't be beat . Also as a place where the brilliant, alien, fucktards flourish?...it can't be beat either. My god it's a great place to sit back and watch the flies fight over a piece of rotten meat. In the right frame of mind the entertainment value of being a spectator to this endless, slow-motion train wreck of humanity can be quite awesome. There's never a dull moment and I thank Vegas for providing me with this free-of-charge show. Only after I have come down from the mountain did I feel refreshed and ready to objectively, passively observe the shit-storm of stupidity that swirls about my head daily. I have found that the slinking pile of biomass that pulls itself into its car and throws itself around the city can be quite entertaining as long as you keep a safe distance and steer clear of the trail of half-digested decisions and morals left behind like trails of diarrhea. Slip in it and you'll quickly find yourself...

So what I've gathered so far is that there are two scenarios that led, or lead, to the population of Las Vegas. Neither is positive or good, and both lead to the filth that has gathered here. Like the filth and dirt that gathers in the corner of a room. Where the majority of the dirt out in the middle of the room is swept up and discarded theres the little bits that blow around and eventually end up against the wall and in the corners. Some of this dirt finds it's way under furniture and is hidden from view and forgotten about. That hidden, forgotten dirt is the people that populate Las Vegas. These are the people that can't make it in normal society, can't live within the rules and natural laws that make life amongst other humans possible. These are the people that are outside the limits of normal human behavior and intelligence. The population here is rough, uncivilized and refuses to play by the rules of society. It's not in their nature to be considerate of ...

Being the type of person that I am (an inexhaustible idealist and tinkerer) there are things here that I can't fix. There's nothing here that I can touch and make better. So, ,why did I do it? This city sucks!

Never before have I wanted to be wrong so badly. I want o to be wrong about the way of life here. I want to find that I was wrong, for someone to tell me, "No! you've juts been living in the wrong part of town and meeting the wring kind of people!". That hasn't happened yet. So, i why did I move here, why do I stay here? Well, it started out as a chance for change from the old way of life that was so good and normal. I moved away form the place where I has great friends and family, but as a person who grew up the middle child of 8 children, I need my own space an identity and I need to test that to see where I stand and to check-in to see who I'm doing. I did that by moving here. The community that exists in Las Vegas is cold and unconnected. From what I feel about the place it is nothing more than an ant farm existing just to exist. It was constructed and people are operating in it, unbeknownst to one another. Being nice and is some form of sarcasm and com...

I rented a 2012 Ford Focus last week...it got over 40 mpg on the highway and it drove like a more expensive car . I want one.

V-TARP

Anyone can go hiking for a hike, but you sign up for a hiking group for the people. I signed up for a MeetUp hiking group a few weeks ago and went on the first group hike a couple weeks later. It was a 7.5 mile, 4-hour strenuous hike. The average age of the group was pushing 50 years old. We briefly meet in the parking lot and immediately start the hike...no real introductions. As I'm going along the desert trails and rocks I'm quietly listening to the chatter around me while feeling the intense burning in my thighs and I am HIT with the feeling that I'm in a movie. I'm surrounded by very familiar personalities and conversations. I later realize that all these movies I've seen where the characters are in a certain situation and all their life experiences are pouring trying to figure things out as a group is happening in my midst. My case is this: it starts as a couple of us get ahead of the group and get a little off-track, it's the typical personalities, th...

It's been a long time since I have written in my blog. Not much has happened that I would care to put here, rather talk to people about. I have moved away from everyone I know and my family along with me...more on that later. I want to confess something. I recently traveled to Kentucky for work. It was in a beautiful part of the state, in or very near coal mining country. I arrived at night and could only see the snow covered mountains and trees only guessing how scenic the area would be in daylight...it would be another 2 days before I saw anything in daylight. I was on-site much longer than I should have been and this is where things turned negative for me. After training for 11 hours that next day I was quite tired, not physically, but mentally and not feeling very cheery or friendly. As a result I became very negative and thought quite lowly of the people I encountered and training at the hospital. This is a simple town with simple people leading simple lives. Secluded from the...

I attended the All Tomorrow's Parties music festival this past weekend. I can't begin to explain what an event this was. I think it will take a while for everything to soak in an leave it's mark. For a start it was momentous and worth the 3-month or so wait once I learned of the line-up and purchased the ticket. I saw some of my favorite bands all in one venue in one weekend. These bands are my favorite when they're recorded and they shine especially bright live, in fact 3 of them purport to be the the loudest live bands in the world. Mogwai Dinosaur Jr My Bloody Valentine Loudness aside, favorite bands aside it was a wonderful festival concluding a wonderful vacation to New York with my wife and too great friends. We also incorporated a pre-trip to NYC. Our hotel was a block from Times Square. We were hooked up with free tickets to a Broadway performance of Hairspray , Bodies: The Exhibition and FuerzaBruta ..in that order. And in-between we absorbed as much of the c...

Check out this house designed by a student of Frank Lloyd Wright . It has a silo in the middle of the living room contained within is a stereo, flat screen TV and a slide-out cocaine line cutting board. The jacuzzi is in the middle of the master bedroom for all to see your rolls and blemishes. And the bathroom sinks have been updated and...bbbbrrrrrrrrrrfffffp. What!? Lynda? What did you say? Was that the gas from your ass commenting on the basin-style sinks? I'm sniffing, but I'm not smelling anything. You're just talking away and just a little bit louder I might add. You mean, you eat food that escapes your body through your ass without an odor? How devine! How truly deitific.

It was the story of a tax collector that got to me recently. This voice in his head that I hear as well. Of course the voice wasn’t the same as his, nor was it describing his life…it was/is describing mine. Every move as if I was third-person to myself. I never feel alone, but watched and critiqued. After a very long time, many years, I was made aware of this voice as being mine, but outside of me. Right now, as I mute the television to write this, the voice is louder, more tangible and a bit annoying. I write and it reads. I stop to think of the next line and it waits. There must be a name for this voice, or presence. Something, like ‘ego’, or ‘conscience’, or maybe ‘alter-ego’. Somewhere I could find the answer, but I’m afraid if I did I would also find a way to quiet it and that might result in feeling more alone. Look at me, adore me, but don’t judge me. I thought I may be on my way to finding answers to things like this, but I was erroneously charged $...

I've been in a hella-funk lately. It could be that I've taken myself off of my anti-depressant Zoloft , or I've been freakin' out over gaining weight since turning 30. OR IT COULD BE I MUST'VE LOST MY TESTOSTERONE SOMEWHERE!!! WTF, reading that you'd think I was a fat, ugly girl stressing over finding a date for the weekend getaway with my girlfriends and I bought airfare for 2 and no guys wants me. Sometimes it's that bad. Anyway, best friend Niki and good friend Jason ask me to play bass in their band Fate Lions the other day. Being in a downward spiral and perpetual funk I had to think about it for a few days also due to lack of self esteem. I talked it over with the wife and she nearly demanded I do it to help me get out of this mood. She has all the insight and usually knows best, plus she loves music as much as I do and she knows it ultimately makes me happy. She's probably sick of hearing my polish the Snowdonnas' turd album in my ro...

Leave the house flight from MSP to GFK was canceled and rebooked to a mush later time I give up airplane seat for $300 and free food and drink in first class I get to MSP, It's mother freakin snowing sideways and it's 3/31/08

Today I left the house for Grand Forks, ND at 8:30am. My flight was scheduled for 10:22am. I get to the airport and as I'm looking at trail mix ti buy for a snack I get a phone call from Northwest airlines telling me my flight from Minneapolis to Grand Forks was canceled and that I've been booked for the 10:29pm flight. I was supposed to fly from MSP to Grand Forks at 2:30pm and get in at 4pm